#tw self-depreciative

[gottaeattolivegottastealtoeat]

@thedoctornumber11

"You're only in trouble if you get caught." He grinned at Abu before being grabbed by one of the palace guards, who gazed at him with a sneer and a growl of pleasure at having finally caught his prey.

"I'm in trouble." Only for Abu to jump down on the head of the guard, who was forced to release him, then he and Abu ran for the hills. When he finally slipped free, he grinned and ripped the loaf of bread that he'd stolen for breakfast apart! "And now, esteemed effendi, we feast!" he claimed, grinning just before leaning in to take a bite of the bread, only for him to lose his smile as he noticed the two kids picking at the dust and sand settled on a vase that held nothing. Orphans, just like him, looking for a meal to sate their little bodies. A sad smile slipped onto his lips and he stood up, moving to the two little ones and leaning down, one hand on his knee as he offered out his half of the loaf of bread.

"Here. Go on, take it." He insisted, smiling when the little girl finally did and walking away without another word. Abu wasn't long after, handing over his half of the loaf, albeit with a small bite taken out of it, to the little ones, as well. At least Abu had gotten something in his stomach. Al sighed to himself, and then joined the crowd watching a new potential Prince Consort show up in a long parade, his heart hanging heavy. Just another day in the life of a street rat.

Of course, it wasn't long before Al's chest constricted as the little boy from earlier ran out, giggling, his sister chasing him to try and stop him. Obviously, the boy had seen the horse of the potential prince consort and just wanted to pet it. But the horse was having none of it, startling and rearing back. When it finally settled, the potential prince consort pulled up a whip, and was about to give the children the punishment of a lifetime, only to be interrupted by Al, catching the whip. With stinging palm and teeth gritted, he glared up at the other man.

"If I were as rich as you, I could afford some manners!!" he spat, only to be pushed down into a puddle of mud, his expression continuing to darken as the prince insulted him, to the point that Aladdin rushed the palace gates as they were closing, only to have to slam his still stinging palm against the gate in a manner that spoke the bitterness of a life lived in nothing more than pain and suffering. He let out a sigh, not having noticed the man who had been watching this whole encounter. It was disheartening, to be treated like this, day in and day out. Sometimes Al wished that he could have a better life... maybe that his life had never begun at all. What if his parents had never had him at all? A sigh left his lips shortly after as he started to head home in the light of a setting sun.

[aannonn]

I FINALLY FINISHED ITT LETS GOOO

(to anyone who wanna read it on ao3 instead! ><)

not-actually-so-funfact; my computer started to burn in the middle of the translation :D (im brazilian so i write my fics in brazilian before translating them to english- xd)

anyways!! hope u enjoy the read just as much as I did while writing it! <3

- , "Ruined. All Ruined."

(updated/fixed) Tags ;

Rating : Teen and Up Audiences Warning : Graphic Depictions of Violence Tags#1 : rated t mainly because of the swears // violent thoughts // threats of violence // whump // self hatred // self depreciation // self esteem // self esteem issues // angst // angst and feels // heavy angst // hurt no comfort // emotional hurt // crying // selective mutism // talking in musical notes Tags#2 : hurt/comfort // comfort // emotional hurt/comfort // emotional // inner dialogue // minecraft mechanics // neurodivergent // {not exactly the focus but y'k- its there} // author is projecting

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Ruined.

All ruined.

   Green sat on his bed, the tie tied carefully around his neck crumpling from the tightness of his knees being hugged close to his chest. A crumpled tie was certainly not something he would take lightly, and he would quickly fix his posture so he could tidy it up and leave it the way it was before, perfect as it should be. But- honestly? Green felt no motivation to do so right now.

   He doesn't understand what he did wrong. Did he prepare too much? Did he create a lot of expectations? Did he let his anger and arrogance get the best of him again?

   Everything seemed perfect, everything was perfect, but then that silverfish suddenly emerged and, in the blink of an eye, everything around him seemed to be shattering; All the months of planning and preparation and so, so many songs he wrote and scratched because none of them felt perfect enough felt like they had been stepped on, crushed and thrown into lava, slowly burning right before his eyes.

   Is not fair. None of this was fair. He worked so hard to get to this moment, to improve his musical skills and impress an entire audience with his music, his passion. His friends, friendly acquaintances - everyone he knew was there - even Orange was there! They were all there for the concert, for the performance, for him.

   He felt like he was on cloud nine, happily boasting about the praise and applause floating around him like birthday confetti, roses being thrown at him as a sign of love and admiration - His friends and family were congratulating him and looking at him with so much admiration and love and affection for his amazing and so well-planned, so well-done, so perfect performance.

   He felt so adored, like the celebrities he saw on YouTube, being praised and complimented and talked about by many, many people, with so much admiration and adoration in their voices when talking about them. He felt so envied, as if several people adored him so much that they wanted to have his talents, they wanted to be him. He felt so loved, friends and family being so proud of him that he felt himself laughing happily, smiling so big that his cheeks hurt.

   ...Then a silverfish rised onto the stage, stepped on his noteblock, and the adoring, gazing eyes of the crowd - of his friends - were on the mob, and suddenly it seemed like it wasn't his concert anymore, but rather a random silverfish who just invaded the stage and stole his place, his audience, his moment.

   Green clenched his fists, bringing his knees even closer and crumpling his tie even more; Is not fair. None of this is fucking fair. He worked so hard for this, he worked so long for this, and now it's all ruined. Everything is ruined.

   The audience applauded and the show was a success, but the silverfish was the one in the spotlight; It was what was being boasted about, congratulated, adored, happily applauded for its' incredible performances.

   Meanwhile, Green was collapsing in pain in the middle of the stage and suffering from a horrible concussion.

   He felt humiliated, awfully humiliated. Shame, disappointment, and anger flooded his entire being, and the moment he woke up in his room, in his bed, with an ice pack on his head and a potions kit right on his desk, the only thing he did was have a staring contest with the ceiling with hazy eyes, his mind was a complete fog as he felt himself swinging his leg from side to side, jiggling it repeatedly distractedly.

   They cheered, the audience cheered, his friends cheered, but none of the cheers and joyful whistles were directed at him, as if the show had never even belonged to him in the first place.

   Green clenched his fists so tightly that he felt the faintest hint of blood coming from his palms, tears stinging his eyes distressingly, falling and spilling and wetting the mattress like rainfalls.

   Small bubbles appeared in his throat and made him let out soft sobs while small melodic notes came out of his mouth, making unbearably unpleasant and hostile noises, seeming as if a million instruments were being played at the same time, forming a loud and unpleasant noise for the ears. Fortunately the canorous notes that came out were small and therefore you wouldn't be able to hear them properly if you weren't close enough to his face.

   He felt so pathetic, so ridiculous. It wasn't even that bad; Everyone in the audience loved and genuinely enjoyed the show, his friends even formed a band and Orange finally played the electric guitar he had after years of not even touching it! So why was he so sad? Why did he feel like his entire world had just collapsed? Why did he feel so angry at the silverfish that only wanted to play with him?

   Because he was so selfish. So selfish and arrogant the little musician.

   He wanted to pull his head off, his stupid head with a stupid brain that only knew how to think about itself - He wanted to find that stupid silverfish and sink the tip of the diamond sword at its' stomach, jab it and stab it and all over again until all that was left of the mindless mob were little white clouds signaling its permanent death.

   He wanted to punch himself, spank himself - He wanted to be vengeful, he wanted to scream - He was so angry at himself, so angry at the silverfish, so angry at his brain, so angry at his feelings, so angry at his friends who didn't even try to help him get the silverfish off the stage and bring everyone's attention back to him, so angry at the world that was never merciful to him, hurting him again and again and again and again and again and again like a fucking punching bag.

   He wanted to isolate himself from everything and everyone to show the world how fucking angry and tired he is right now. He wanted his friends to invade his room to shower him with love and affection, hugs and apologies and promises that they would take better care of him, that they would never try to hurt him again, that they would never let the world hurt him again.

   He wants the world to burn, he wants the world to hold him like a baby.

   He's so selfish. Selfish and arrogant little adorable musician.

   His mind was a fog full of thoughts as his emotions took control, his body swayed slightly from side to side like a mantra, all of this making his brain unable to register the sound of footsteps approaching his position on the bed or even extra weight being added to the green mattress.

   Green jumped when he felt a hand holding his arm gently, rocking his body serenely and distracting his mind from thoughts for a few brief moments. He still didn't take his face off his knees, but he didn't take the hand off his arm either.

   Faint sobs and small musical notes echoed through the spacious house, the fog of dark thoughts in his mind gradually fading until all that was left were just faint sobs and dry tears gracing his face, a few tears still running down his chin towards the bed, small drops of water, some already old, wetting the mattress.

   He didn't register and didn't want to register how long it had been since he and the familiar but currently unknown stickfigure had been sitting on the bed. The stickfigure just rocked him calmly and slowly, distracting him from his thoughts that only got darker and darker, while also giving him time to calm down at his own pace, which Green deeply appreciates.

   Eventually, his breathing seemed to have finally eased and he opened his eyes, raising his head slowly and groggily, somewhat destabilized after the horrible mental breakdown he had just had.

   Yellow's composed and slightly worried face greeted him, the gentle movement of his head cooled off the nervous spasms he felt in his body after his brain had correctly registered the pathetic and disappointing scene he had just made, right in front of one of the last people he wanted for to see him in this state.

   Yellow remained quiet, his hand still on Green's arm as he continued to rock him gently, his movements filled with nothing but pure affection and concern for him. For Green.

   Green raised his head groggily, feeling light bubbles rising in his throat again and a new spiral of crying emerging before he pushed it back by force, several carefully chosen words in his head ready to start a conversation and break the suffocating silence, even though none of them had any actual desire to actually produce real sounds.

   He coughed, a hoarse, noisy wet cough, taking a deep breath - with some difficulty - before merely forcing a sound out of his throat, words in his mind all jumbled together - he just wanted to break the silence, a silence so quiet and still and suffocating.

   - W.. what." His voice was hoarse from crying and small musical notes were muddled with the words, making the words that came out of his mouth a confusing cacophony of sounds and verbs without a correct direction.

   Yellow patted his free hand on his knee nervously, whispering softly; - I just wanted to check up on you."

   Green no longer felt any motivation to actually form words and say them out loud, so he just shook his head sharply and pushed Yellow's hand away from his arm, a small musical note faintly leaving his mouth; a twisted, angry, broken sound.

   Go away.

   Yellow quickly understood the message the older one wanted to convey and tapped his hand on his knee nervously again, a slight, almost imperceptible movement of his shoulders lowering in defeat before he stood up and walked to the door, his steps light, but steady, echoing in the now empty space; where a single green stickfigure sat on his own bed of the same color, hugging and consoling himself from the world that only knew how to hurt. The only sounds that could be heard were his own whimpers and small melodic notes that the form curled up like a ball of the arrogant little musician emanated.

   It's so quiet. The world seemed so much lonelier and more dangerous when it was quiet.

   It's just him, and the world that hates him.

.

.

.

.

   At some point in his breakdown; round two(2), Green fell asleep; spilled tears still dripping onto the mattress while light, dry remnants clung to his cheeks. Honestly, Green isn't sure if he actually fell asleep, all he remembers is that his perception of his surroundings was momentarily desensitized and he found himself lying in his bed, a pair of hands on his shoulder shaking him with enthusiasm to side to side, presumably being the reason why his brain seemed to have regained awareness of his surroundings when he felt a sudden and unexpected physical contact stirring him impatiently.

   Red's excited and unbearably happy face was what greeted him this time, determination and enthusiasm adorning his movements as he continued to shake him the way he normally would when he had done something cool and desperately wanted to show to someone.

   Noticing the slight movement of Green's head moving towards him, Red let go of the shorter stick's right shoulder and jumped back, his arms bobbing up and down happily before grabbing Green's hands and pulling him in a way so that he was now sitting on the bed, relinquishing him and quickly rushing to the door, giving him one last look (still jumping up and down and waving his arms happily) before jumping out of the house, his steps happy and hurried resonating even outside the household.

   Green just stared at the door now open to him, not moving a single inch to follow Red to wherever the latter wanted to show him, an internal debate in his head with the decisions he could make.

   Getting out of bed, let alone walking to the door, seemed like a challenge. His body had little to no motivation to exercise and his head was still a fog that momentarily distracted him from his surroundings. He really didn't want to get up.

   But there would be no more silence if he did. The world would no longer seem so dangerous and immense for him if he went outside.

. . .

   Green sighed, staring at the floor for several long moments before merely forcing his body to stand, stumbling a bit in disorientation after sitting for so long, before practically dragging himself to the door, his slow, sloppy steps echoing through the silent residence.

   The entire time he walked towards the open door, Green stared at the ground, absentmindedly counting the pixel particles of the blocks he passed in his mind.

   He really had no desire to do anything... But the silence he was in was too suffocating and oppressive for him to bear.

   As he walked, Green quickly noticed that the light gradually dimmed with each new block, getting darker and darker until he couldn't even see the color of the staircase.

   Green took his eyes off the floor and raised his head, noticing how the computer's lighting seemed to have suddenly faded, enveloping both him and the programs and the PC's characteristic background in immense darkness - Much like when he himself removed the brightness of the computer to blast his latest music at that time.

   Green straightened up, feeling goosebumps all over his body as he took his cell phone out of his pocket and turned on the flashlight, quickly taking out his diamond sword from his inventory and holding it tightly, keeping his guard up for any possible mobs or whatever it was that could suddenly jump on him.

   He slowly descended the steps, his steps light and careful as he illuminated the darkness around him and kept his ears open for any sign of movement or noise.

   He wonders where his friends are...

   Suddenly, red and orange and yellow and green and blue lights illuminated the computer and momentarily blinded him, causing him to stagger back in fright and throw his sword and cell phone into the air before quickly grabbing the sword in alarm, pointing the sharp tip towards the light source as he vaguely registered the sound of his cell phone falling to the ground with the flashlight still on.

   A stage - his stage - his concert stage - greeted him back, colorful lights enthusiastically illuminating the center of the stage, where stood his dearest friends that he had known for as long as he could remember.

   Friends who also just watched as his concert was ruined by a fucking silverfish.

   Green shook his head sharply to dispel that thought, slowly lowering his sword as he quickly settled down, no longer feeling the impending danger scratching the back of his neck, though that also didn't mean his irritation had disappeared.

   He simply stared at the four(4) stickfigures on the stage, irritation was obvious in his movements as he gave them the silent treatment.

   Blue clasped his hands together nervously, Red dragged his feet on the floor without looking at him while Orange shifted uncomfortably; The only one who seemed more balanced and stressless of all was Yellow, although Green could detect a slight touch of nervousness in the movement of his shoulders.

   None of them said or made any movement as an indication that they were going to break the silence, Green just stared at them demanding an explanation while the others just moved and looked at each other nervously.

   Blue turned to Red, grabbing his shoulder before pushing him forward. Red stumbled before immediately shaking his head roughly and pushing Blue forward, to which Blue grabbing Orange's hand and pulling the shortest one in front of him, pushing him nervously to be in Green's gaze. Orange looked back and forth between Blue, Red and then Green, staring at the ground while rubbing his arms nervously, before finally taking a single step forward before Yellow suddenly stopped him by grabbing his shoulder and pointing at himself, to which the youngest nodded in thanks and quickly went to Red's side.

   Yellow took a deep breath, only taking three steps forward before finally breaking the silence, his voice a soft whisper with varying degrees of guilt and apologetic tone emanating from it.

   - We're sorry."

   Green bounced in surprise, confusion adorning his movements.

   At the sound of Yellow's voice, the other three(3) seemed to find courage and quickly echoed their own apologies with equal degrees of guilt and apologetic tones, a cacophony of voices over one another as they made several sudden and clumsy movements.

   - We had fun but you didn't have fun and that wasn't- It wasn't what- It was not cool. Nothing cool."

   - We're really, really sorry- The show was horrible- It was horrible to you- It was scary, wasn't it? It was terrifying... We laughed but- And- We didn't even think how hurt would you be..."

   - We didn't try to help you when you needed it most, and we completely understand if you- How angry you might- How angry you are and we won't force you to forgive us or anything-"

   Sincere. Genuine. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Don't forgive us. You don't need to forgive us. We are really sorry. We will take better care of you.

   Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry-

   - So we thought about- Ah. To repair. Give you the concert you truly deserve."

The firm tone emanating from Yellow's voice quickly interrupted the fog that was beginning to form in Green's head, turning his head towards him to realize that the taller one had raised his hand and stopped everyone from continuing with the cacophony of voices. Of I'm sorrys. Of apologies-

   Oh wait.

   Oh. Oh.

   The stage was for him?

   - I know nothing will fix the damage that silverfish caused- The damage we didn't even try to cease- But." Yellow paused, clasping his hands and fidgeting nervously in his seat before taking a deep breath and continuing; - That's- The concert really mattered to you, so. We wanted to- Give you a chance to- A second chance to. Show to the world-

   - The world being us."

   Yellow elbowed Red. - Your performance. And just your performance only. No silverfish to take your place."

   The stage was practically the same as the show, although it was significantly reduced to fit the computer and not cover the entire space to the point of being almost claustrophobic.

   The instruments from before - from the villagers who agreed to help him with the concert - were not there, just the blocks and noteblocks that had been used previously in the concert. On his concert.

   It was his show. It is his show.

   The stage is his. The performance is his. The audience is his.

   Green just stared at the stage, then at the instruments, then at his friends.

   Millions of emotions flowed like musical notes, the fog in his head forming like fluffy, adorable clouds, and suddenly he felt an immense urge to jump and bounce and play and scream and stim and-

   A single musical note, so small and confused and twisted and broken - yet joyful and hopeful and excited and free - floated from his mouth, the harp-like sound echoing so low that Green is sure none of them would have heard it if the room was not in a complete silent.

   For me?

   Yellow tilted his head gently, Blue touched his hands like he always does when he's excited, while Orange nodded and Red happily waved his arms up and down, encouragingly signaling the older one to come on stage.

   For you.

   Green timidly walked to the stage, Blue and Red quickly helped him by grabbing his hands and pulling him up, Orange walked towards him and gently pushed him to the center where the noteblocks were carefully placed in a way that formed a piano, patting his back in encouragement before going to join Red and Blue on the chairs in front of the stage, sitting right next to Red who was resting his parrots on his shoulders.

   Yellow had the staff in hand, placing his hands on his hips in a sign of lighthearted annoyance, confusing Green momentarily before realizing that the taller stick was looking at the crumpled tie with small traces of dried tears.

Oh.

   Green looked down at his shabby tie, dismay filling him at how careless he had been with his beautiful tie, before perking up when yellow hands suddenly grabbed his tie by the ends and stretched it, trying to straighten it back to the way it was before. Finishing, Yellow walked away and placed his hands on his hips as a sign of pride, while Green just stared at his tie, now even more messy and shabby than before.

   Such a mistake like that would freak him out, reprimand the causer and quickly fix the damage done.

   Now, somehow, he found no reason to care.

   It was perfect. It is perfect.

   Green took the staff extended to him with such delicacy and care, as if the staff would break with a single sloppy touch, holding it close to his chest like a plush.

   Yellow patted his head, touching his forehead to Green's in a tender and gentle manner, before retreating and getting off the stage, sitting right next to Blue and putting all his attention on Green, on the show. On Green. On the performance. On Green.

   All eyes and heads were on him, all attention was on him and him alone.

  Playing his slightly altered melody as he now played solo, he felt on cloud nine. Gloatingly boasting of the enthusiastic applause and whistles of his beloved audience, who adored every performance he performed no matter how imperfect they seemed to him. Of his friends, who would always be there welcoming him with open arms and would help him in any way they could. Of his family, who adore him and love him so, so much.

   It was perfect. It is perfect.

   He is adored. He is accepted. He is loved.

   He always was. And he always will be.

.

.

.

.

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[tenma-tsukasa-official]

Does anyone else feel like breaking down and crying but you don't want anyone to worry about you so you pretend your negative feelings don't exist?

[erabu-san]

IDK if someone want to read my Fremillei Brainrot but... here.

FREMILLEI TALKING, watching landscape ( ANGST A BIT (dont worry it ends well) it is not a fanfic bcuz lol i am so bad at writing (if it is not in french)

**CW : self depreciation**

**SLIGHT SPOIL : FREMINET BACKSTORY**

FORGIVE MY POOR ENGLISH BYEEE

Freminet suddenly being pessimist about himself, saying how he can only bring disappointment

"Don't say that !"

Collei shouting a bit fierce, which made Freminet jumping a bit

"You are also have your own strenght-"

He already heard those speech from his big sister but... it sounded different from Collei's mouth

"Look ! You can repare machine, you create toys... that's amazing ! Not everyone can do that ! In Sumeru, we could hire you in Kshahrewar Darshan... Freminet, you are amazing ! You can also diving, fishing..."

Freminet didn't know what to say, he is always gloomy.. "I am sorry Collei... you are just- amazing... compared to me I-"

"Please don't say that.."

Collei looks down.

Freminet suddenly felt guilty

"I am also like you, Freminet" her voice trembling

The young man was perplexed, but too scared to offense, he stayed in silent and just listen

"I feel terrible toward myself. Look, I am slow-learning, it still hard for me to read and write. I made a lot of mistake, I felt miserable... I am so scared to fail, I am so anxious when it comes people expectation... and my dark past growing back, my mind becomes weak and it is overwhelming... and sometime I can't resist them.. it hurts everywhere... it is like..." she stopped. She looked at the sky, trying to not cry. And after her pause, she turned her face to Freminet, with a smile but a broken voice

"It is like I am drowning."

Oh. Those words... that's exactly how he felt too. Those words resonated in him.

"I.. I stopped to trust people ! I hated my mother for giving me up. I hated everyone. But more than hating everyone, I hated myself..."

Freminet couldn't help to think about his mother.. when he didn't know the truth, did he hate her ? Did he hate the orphenage before "Father" took it..? Now he mature a bit, the only person he hate is... himself.

By this thought, he clenched his fist.

Collei took a deep breath and shouted

"BUT LIFE KEEPS GOING"

Freminet startled for a second time

"I met friends... family ! Who are dear to me. They give me their hands. They helped me. They are so patient with me. They love me. I can tell how genuine are their feelings...! And I am grateful to them. I love them too ! To repay them... I decided to become the best person I can be..! Being gloomy won't help me in this goal."

She looked in Freminet's eyes, with a determination stares. It was hard for him to be removed from her gazes.

"So yes, Freminet ! You are also amazing on your own way ! Please believe in you, at least for those you wish to protect !

You also have people you deeply care, right ?"

"Y..yes..."

Collei was silent, it looks like she wished him to continue.

Freminet took Pers in his hands stared his blue eyes.

"When I was young, I fantasized of.. just being emotionless. But, the more I grew up, the more I discovered I was hypersensitive.. it is one of my big weakness."

He did a pause, looking at Pers, deep in his thought.

"The orphenage is my home, and every children was considered like my family but... it felt more like we are just gears to make a big machine functionning. I didn't mind it, at least, I was useful. Everytime I felt lonely, I only have Pers with me."

He wanted to cry. The number of time "Father" scolded him, but he couldn't cry because "Father" hate those who cry.

Collei, was still listening, with an empathic look, as she understood what he was feeling.

"But...! I met Lyney and Lynette and.. even if they were inseparable, Lyney always called me little brother.. Lynette always console me ! In this big family, Lyney and Lynette are my genuine companions, and I can claim it ! And now I also met traveler, and Paimon.. ! I-..."

Ah, this is bad, he wanted to cry so much.

Collei encouraging him, tears in her eyes.

Freminet would usually ran away and go deep underwater, in his safe place, to cry all his heart.. only Romaritime flowers as witness.

But, he bursted to tear, couldn't keep all this feeling for himself anymore.

"I DEEPLY LOVE THEM..!"

Collei smiling, while a tear falling on her cheek

"..yes !"

They both usually alone when they started to feel overwhelmed. But this time, flowers, clouds, and them together were their companions.

////

AFTER A WHILE THEY STOP SOBBING

they are both pretty embarassed but they laughed

This is the first time they both cry with someone else, and.. that's a weird feeling !

[u-friend-or-ufo]

[brandstifter-sys]

Sink or Swim

@dukexietyweek 2024 Day 3 - Music + Dreams

Word Count: 2489 (Ao3)

Rating: T

Pairing: Dukexiety

Characters: Remus, Virgil

Warnings: Genderfluid!Remus (Reina on fem days), self depreciation, songfic, high school, confessions

Virgil has a good life and a loving spouse, and he can't help but dream about the day all the pieces fell into place

---

It was late in the evening when Virgil got home from work. He was tired and needed to unwind quietly without waking the kids and his genderfluid partner. 

He found himself on the couch looking through old photo albums, wistfully getting taken back in time. It was hard to imagine that high school ended twelve years ago. It was even harder to imagine how much he changed from those days. Not only could he grow facial hair, but he was taller and less of a twig. 

Virgil stretched out on the couch and closed his eyes, laughing internally at some old memories, like the day he joined the baseball team, or when he finally got to dye his hair. But nothing compared to one of the best days of his life. 

That memory brought a smile to his face as he drifted off.

Hey kid, just give it a shot 

Virgil was a mess of nerves, hiding in his old, oversized hoodie as he traveled from class to class. Aside from his spot on the baseball team, he was a nobody, a shadow in a sea of teen drama. 

He flipped his dark sidebangs from his face and clutched his backpack straps tightly. He just finished Trigonometry and he was headed straight for Film History, where his pulse always skyrocketed. 

He could admit that his hormones were on the fritz, but he knew that the real cause of his nerves was one person. Reina, or Ree, as she preferred, could very easily give him a heart attack. And this was the day he would risk it all. 

It's a chance you'll never get back, like it or not 

It was spring, the perfect time to get ice cream and hang out in the park. Virgil already had a plan, and a couple back up ideas. He just had to get his ass in gear before he missed his window of opportunity. 

But that was easier said than done.  

He rounded a corner and his heart sank. Ree was surrounded by her friends just outside the History classroom. They were mostly girls, chatting away about stuff Virgil refused to listen in to. 

He curled into himself and bit his lip. How the hell was he supposed to ask her out with an audience? 

You have to hold your head high and put those fears aside

And then one of her friends noticed him approaching. She spoke in a hushed whisper and giggled. Reina had the nerve to blush adorably. 

Virgil hated that he had to go to that exact classroom. He hated how pathetic he looked. 

What chance did he have with her? He was just some queer weirdo. He didn't even have jock status despite being on the baseball team. 

You think she'll walk away, ignoring what you say

Reina wasn't super popular like her brother, but she had friends and enemies. She was friendly, kind, and quirky. She could spend time with whoever she wanted. She didn't need to waste her time with him. 

It would make more sense for her to ignore him, to surround herself with likable people. Hell, it was a mistake on her part for considering him a friend, if at all. He really wasn't worth her time. 

It's kinda funny how she gets under your skin 

But then she broke away from her group and approached him. She had a certain bounce to her gait that drew attention to her. Everything about her was adorable from her wry smile to her wily wavy hair. 

Virgil hated how he just wanted to hold her and kiss every freckle on her face. He hated how he could crumble from a silly little glance. 

You tell yourself to run, when she gets close enough 

“Hey Virge!” she greeted him, restraining herself from hugging him. Virgil was glad she could respect that boundary, since he was likely to faint if she hugged him out of the blue. 

“Uh, hey,” he stammered, cringing internally. He didn't like how her friends were giggling. He was making a fool of himself and he wanted to get away from the situation, his legs were itching to run. 

“So, you know how Mr. Tanner is going to give us that partner assignment today? I was thinking that we could be partners!” Reina chirped and swayed her shoulders shyly. Virgil would have agreed in a heartbeat if her friends weren't giggling like crazy behind her. 

“I, uh,” he winced and rubbed his neck. He couldn't stop from glancing over her shoulder. 

“Don't mind my harem,” Reina said and glared over her shoulder. Some of her friends rolled their eyes, some snickered, and one blew a playful kiss. But they all stopped paying attention to them. 

This is your chance to sink or swim  

“So, do you want to be partners?” she asked him again, a bit more sheepishly. 

“Yeah—uh—yeah, I mean we'd have to work on it after practice so if that's a problem—” 

“Nope! I'll meet you on the field after practice and we can get started!” Reina beamed and grabbed his hand, “Let's sit together this period!” 

You've got me swinging from the ceiling

And all I know is I never want to come back down

It shouldn't have been so easy for her to make him feel like he was walking on air. With just the slightest touch Reina had the power to turn the air in his lungs to helium. Just the thought that she reached out to him for something so mundane has him giddy on the inside. 

He wanted to scream at the top of his lungs on top of a mountain. He was thrilled and terrified, all because of one gremlin. 

He would be on this high for a while. 

--

This is the time to open your eyes  

Virgil’s day was a blur. He could remember the stuff he learned, and what he would have to do for his film history project, but he didn't really recall anything else about the day, or how he found himself manning left field, not that he was paying attention.

He was too busy internally panicking. He still had to ask Reina out while he still had the courage, and he wasn't sure if he could. They were working on a project for a grade, and he couldn't risk fucking that up on top of rejection. 

It was too risky. 

“Alright guys, bring it in!” the coach shouted from the dugout. Of course, Virgil joined the rest of the team, ready to hear all the complaints and when their next game was. He already knew his own flaws and when he would have to showcase them, so he barely paid attention. 

“And remember, it's not safe for your girlfriends to sit on the field and watch. That's why we have bleachers,” the coach said and eyed the outfielders. Virgil’s blood ran cold. Why was the coach starting at him so much? 

“Who was on the field?” Toby, the pitcher, whispered to Gus, the catcher. 

“Your ex,” Gus whispered back, “Reina.” 

“She never came to practice when we were dating, what the hell? I'm not taking her back.” 

“She didn't even look at you. She was probably eyeing Seth,” Gus scoffed quietly. Virgil didn't need to hear any more. 

As soon as the huddle broke he packed up his bag and made his way to the bleachers. Maybe he didn't have a chance. Seth was good looking, played third base, and he tried so hard to be like Toby. It would make sense for Reina to focus on him. Meeting with Virgil was the perfect excuse. 

Of course, Reina was on the bleachers, waiting for him and swinging her legs. She beamed at him when he came over. 

“Hey, you ready to go to my place to watch a few movies?” she asked, “Or did you want to walk around for a bit?” 

“Shouldn't I shower first? I'm pretty sure I stink,” Virgil asked, making sure his arms stayed down. 

“Nah! I kinda like how you smell. And I kinda wanna talk to you about something, nothing bad, I just need an opinion from someone who isn't interested in roshambo without the rock and paper.” 

Virgil's heart went out to her. She was nervous and clearly distressed by this thing. 

“Let me put this in the locker room and change, and then we can walk around the track and talk,” he ceded. Reina smiled at him and nodded. Virgil refused to take longer than he needed. 

  So he took a quick shower before going back. At least Reina was still there waiting. She looked relieved to see him in his hoodie. 

She hopped to her feet and skipped to meet him part way. 

“So, what's up?” Virgil asked as they made their way to the track. 

“What would you do if I was a guy?” 

“Uh, stop calling you Reina and stop using she/her pronouns.” 

“You wouldn't think I'm weird in a bad way?” 

“No, not for that.” 

“What if I was a guy, but only some of the time?” 

“I would use the name and pronouns you prefer. I don't think being genderfluid or bigender is weird.” 

“Do you think anyone would want to date me if I was gender fluid?” Reina pouted up at him with the saddest green eyes. 

You better spill your guts 

And never let her leave your side  

Virgil grabbed her shoulders gently and nodded. 

“I know I would date you if you were any flavor of trans. I would date you if you were cis. I have the most obnoxious feelings for you, they make me a nervous wreck because I can't bear to make a mistake in front of you. I don't care what name or pronouns as long as you're you.” 

“Virgil—” she said with a distant look in her eyes. 

“Even if you aren't interested in me like that, I know that there's a lot of people who would want to date you,” he relented and dropped his arms. 

Just give it some time, let it sink into her mind

They continued to walk around the track in relative silence. The soft wind and warm sun couldn't calm Virgil's nerves. Reina wasn't talking or making noise. She always made noise. He fucked up and ruined everything. He couldn't even look at her.

She'll be coming back for more  

“Remus.” 

Virgil glanced at Reina. She was looking at him with glassy eyes. 

“My boy name is Remus,” she said. 

“Remus,” Virgil repeated, “it suits you.” 

Reina smiled at him and hugged his arm. 

“You're the first person to say that name to me. It feels good to hear it,” she giggled and rubbed her cheek on his arm. 

You've got me swinging from the ceiling

And all I know is I never wanna come back down

Virgil couldn't fight the blush rising on his face. His heart decided to play Metallica’s “One” against his ribs, slamming in his chest. Reina had to realize that she was sending his feelings into overdrive. She had to realize that she was teasing his heartstrings after that confession. 

“I would date you too,” she hummed, “You're the sweetest guy I know, even with that tough shell.” 

You gotta pull yourself together now

Before your time is running out 

“You would?” Virgil asked and stopped walking. Reina squeaked and caught her balance, grinning up at him. 

Virgil took a deep breath. He could do this.

You better make your move before she goes again

“Will you be my girlfriend and/or boyfriend?” he asked and rubbed his neck. There was still a chance she'd say no. He didn't even ask her on a date! 

Reina immediately pounced, jumping to wrap her arms around his shoulders. Virgil caught her and stumbled a bit, but he was able to hold her up by the thighs while she squealed and nuzzled his neck. 

“Yes! Of course I will! I'm your boyfriend today!” Remus said and leaned back to look at Virgil’s face. He was blushing adorably and chewing his bottom lip, hoping for something more, something Virgil could provide. 

You gotta pull yourself together now 

“Does that mean we can kiss?” Remus asked and wiggled his eyebrows. 

Before your time is running out 

You better make your move before he goes again 

“Yeah,” Virgil said, completely red in the face. He had kissed dudes before, mostly on dares, but he was absolutely flustered at the thought of kissing Remus. 

He leaned in and let his eyes flutter shut, praying Remus would meet him in the middle. Then their lips met and Virgil could hardly contain the sheer joy filling him. It was short and sweet, but it left Virgil giddy and unable to fight his smile. 

“Wanna get pizza and make out while we do our project?” Remus asked when they pulled apart, “If it gets you to smile at me like that, I I'll let you touch my boobs!” 

“I'll smile like this without doing that,” Virgil chuckled, “Just don't get pineapple pizza.” 

Remus laughed and hugged him, pleasantly surprised that Virgil was still carrying him with ease. 

“Anchovies it is!” he teased, expecting Virgil to drop him or get grossed out. 

“You read my mind,” Virgil hummed and carried him off the track, excited for what could come from this.

---

Virgil woke up to the pleasant sensation of lips on his own. He blinked away the sleep from his eyes when those lips pulled away, and he was met with vibrant green eyes. 

“Mm, Ree?” he mumbled. 

“That’s right big boy, and you left your Trash Bat all alone last night!” Remus purred. 

“Sorry about that. I didn't want to wake you up.” 

“That's sweet! But I had to save you from getting covered in stickers and glitter before the kids went to school!” 

“What time is it?” Virgil grunted and sat up. It was already bright, so he had to have slept until late in the morning. 

“Time to order lunch and make out while we watch scary movies.” 

“Just like our first date. Funny, I was just dreaming about that.” 

“Oh! Was that the day I ogled your butt, came out to you, and you carried me all the way to my house? Roman thought I got hurt!” 

“Yeah,” Virgil smiled up at him, “And all these years later you still got me swinging from the ceiling with everything you do.” 

Remus giggled and kissed him again. 

“You say that as if I'm not up there with you!” 

Virgil huffed and pulled Remus on top of him, flopping on his back again. 

“The pizza can wait, I need to hold you for a bit.” 

Remus kissed his neck and snuggled up with him. Moments like these reminded him that he had to thank his 15 year old self for choosing to swim and not sink.

--

Song: Sink or Swim - Close to Home

[2mimikyute4u]

Mumbling to myself while doing my shot to stop my diabeetus from making me die of 'beetus (to the tune of My Shot from Hamilton):

I don't wanna take my shot

I wanna throw away my shot

Yo I'm just like my country

I'm dumb, crappy, and crumbling

And I don't wanna take my shot

[thatblondeperson]

People really don't talk enough about how it feels to passively want to die all the time.

[go-to-the-mirror]

at least whenever i search "am i a bad person" i'll get a wikihow page suggested to me, which makes my self-perception less "uniquely terrible" and more "average teenager"

[sharkyyyyyyyyyyyy]

made these a while back thought someone might enjoy :))

[newvillainontheblock]

[Off-screen post, tw themes of self depreciation, self destruction, and self hatred]

Heh. They still had the gyarados their brand new friend from Team Skull gave them. Who the fuck just let someone borrow a gyarados like that? No idea when they were going to return it thought.

They supposed they would....eventually.

Fun to intimidate people with though, if they were in any other mood.

But unfortunately for them, they were going home.

Home? That felt weird to say. The mansion used to be their home, but it wasn't really a home. Not to them, not anymore.

Now it was with Rory and Leo. The two guys that saw her as a meek freshman and looked after her when they went to the same school together, stayed in contact after they graduated, and eventually she started living with them.

Things were going good, right?

They were. And that was the problem.

What happens if she fucks up? What happens if she ruins everything they have? What happens when they decide they don't want to deal with her anymore?

Like she's going uphill on the rollercoaster of life and waiting for the drop.

And right now, it seems like the drop is now.

They joined Team Skull out of the blue, and didn't warn either of them.

And they panicked over her. Was calling her a lot. Fuck, she messed up didn't she? She didn't know why they were so concerned anyway.

It was always them two, and her. The perpetual other.

...

Thoughts bounced around in her head as they touched down.

She steeled herself, they were going to be fine. No, they weren't. She was going to keep herself composed. Yeah right.

Shut up, she told herself.

As she went in, she felt the silence in the room.

A pin ready to drop, her she figured.

"Hey.."

Their head went toward the noise. Rory looking at her from across the room.

"Hi...where's Leo?"

Rory gestured outside. "Out doing shit."

"Oh...."

Once again silence took over the room and Scoundrel squirmed. He was uncomfortable. She was uncomfortable. This is absolute shit.

He sighed, breaking the silence.

"You gonna tell me why you say shit to us before running off to who knows here?"

"Po Town actually..."

That earned her a glared.

"Yeah, my bad...I...didn't think about it, didn't think you'd care"

He groaned, rubbing at his face. Oh fuck.

"Fucking course we do and we were damn worried bout you kid for fuck's sake..."

Her head immediately starting going, why do you care. I don't deserve it. And much more.

That was all she could think about how they didn't deserve anything Rory and Leo did for them.

All they did was make things worse. Cause them to worry, more stress.

And unfortunately for them, it slipped out.

"Why...." They muttered under their breath.

"Why the fuck not? You've always been like a little sibling to me and Lee..we went all this way for you."

But more and more her head went "You don't deserve it, there's no reason for any of them to like you. And you know it, deep down you know he's wrong. That you've always been right that you deserve every bad thing that's happened to you."

And the damn broke loose.

"I figured you'd be happy without me anyway."

Rory took a step back like he was hit in the gut.

"Why, we wouldn't be- fuck, fucking arceus...."

He sat down on the couch and rubbed inbetween his eyes.

"I woulda thought we'd shown we cared by now, guess we were shit at that."

No no no no.

NO.

He wasn't supposed to do this. It was her fault. It was ALL her fault.

He should be attacking her, telling her how much of a shitty person she was.

"If you'd be happier somewhere else, you can leave, not going to make you stay."

Oh.

Fucking finally.

It happened.

He didn't want her anymore.

She knew it was going to happen, she knew it. She knew it she knew it she knew it.

She walked out the door.

............

Once she was far enough away, she started laughing. Almost maniacally but mixed with pain.

Leave it to her to ruin everything good she got.

But this was what was going to happen always. And better for him, and better for her, right?

Now why did she want to cry?

[l0v3l4ce]

I often want to grab the nearest sharp object and bury it in my arm but I'm too scared to clean up after, so I'll just stick to biting my arms till they bruise.🙂

[l0nd0n-3xists]

I wonder how people date me sometimes like, Im so fuckin clingy and mentally unstable it should actually be challenging to deal with me <3

Anyways, Just cut myself again 😘

[honeyandbiscuitandtea-cafe]

Me: Why do I get so upset and sad when people on the internet don't like me or block me on this app

Inner Demon: It's probably because of how rejected you were growing up and now that you're older you try to fill that lack of actual meaningful relationships you had growing up by connecting with people on the internet with similar interests as you cause that's where you feel you can actually find people who actually like you and want you around so when those very same people and relationships end up not working out or something goes bad you end up fearing that you really are unlovable and that you'll end up all alone again just like when you were younger

Me: .................I hate you

Inner Demon:

[u-friend-or-ufo]

Relapse, don't do it When you wanna go do it Relapse, don't do it When you wanna harm...

[undertheopensky]

Me: GodDAMMIT, brain, you promised our sister we’d be okay if she went to sleep-!

Brain: But what if the real reason talking about it made us so uncomfortable was because of the things we’d forgotten -

Me: NOT LISTENING. THINK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE.

Brain: - because remember you were caught by surprise by just how nauseous and anxious you were afterwards and that would be more consistent with -

Me: SHUT UP.